NYC

More photos from the trip to come, I promise. These are just what I have on my mom's camera, the only one I can get to the computer until I get home.


Saw Company starring Raul Esparza on Broadway--from the front row, it was amazing. He really has an amazing voice. So fabulous.

Happy Holidays!

Nobody seems to think it can actually hurt when they constantly tease me.

And the condescension doesn't feel so good either.



And I'm tired of people blowing it off when I have some sort of problem.

"whatever"

is not going to solve any problems.

Missing

There are two kinds of missing people, I think.

There's the kind of missing when you go on vacation, when you move, when you never see someone anymore.

There's also the kind of missing where you see someone every day, and something has changed and you just don't talk anymore, and you don't agknowledge that you even used to talk.

That kind is worse.

The Master of Alone/ I Love Love

I'm sorry, I'm in love-mode these days, please bear with me. I promise/hope that I will get over it soon and stop caring so much that my life isn't like a movie.

The movie= The Holiday. Really quite a cute movie, if you're into that sort of thing.

Turns out I am. When I watch chick flicks I just feel it in my gut--the wrenching alone feeling. Or if, at the time, I am not single, the butterflies. I guess I like that feeling--both of them, even the one that hurts.

There's a line in the movie where the old Hollywood screenwriter tells Kate Winslet's character that she is playing the role of "the friend" when she should have been cast as the leading lady. She responds along the lines of, "shouldn't I at least be leading lady of my own life?"

Ah yes. It hits home. Sitting with friends while they complain about dysfunctional relationships and not having a bit of advice to offer them but thinking the whole time about how perfect it could be if they just looked up and realized that something good was right in front of them. It's frustrating.

In one scene, Kate Winslet's character and Jack Black's character are out to lunch. He gets a call from an ex (a "bad girl"), and leaves Kate Winslet (perfect for him) to finish her lunch alone. She supports him the entire time, even when he is letting her down.

Definitely close to home.



And to make matters worse, the entire time I was in the theatre I was thinking about someone who I probably should not be thinking of in the context of a romantic comedy. Yet still I think of him and wish I was watching it with him (he'd probably hate it anyway). I wished he was sitting next to me, our hands almost touching, and I knew exactly the moments when we'd simultaneously reach out our pinkies just slightly, and our fingers would brush, and intertwine, and it would be good.

I have a vivid imagination, apparantly.

Alas, here I am alone, and kicking myself for even wanting the things I am wanting, which is ridiculous and also a fabulous way to remain alone.

Trust me on this one.

I Hate Sexual Tension.

Here's my question:

Would someone joke about something if it revolted them? Don't jokes usually contain a hint of truth? The context I am thinking of is the high school "oh, I want to bang you, oh oh!"

I mean, you never say that unless you actually sort of do, right? Because if you're truly revolted by the person, then it's not even funny, just gross.

Am I right?

I know I always meant it, at least a little, when I said it.


Which brings me to the issue--if two people are joking like that with each other, don't you think they should just jump on each other and end the sexual tension? That's what I think.

Jay Brannan

Check Him Out


I discovered this on the bus coming back from Thespian Conference.

2 days of sleep deprivation, sitting backwards in the seat, sharing white earbud headphones with David who was sitting next to me facing me, and I'm watching the people on the bus sleep, or talk, as the light slowly fades and things get dark.


It was perfect.

A God

Brian Molko, of Placebo.

From the concert, ages ago.

This photo is actually Sydney's.

Bah.

je suis bored.

et confused.

et je ne sais pas si je veux quel'que-chose que je ne dois pas vouloir.

(i forget how to have negatives and how to correctly conjugate. sorry.)

TO EVERYONE IN BOULDER

Come to the new Chipotle on 29th Street on Thursday, November 16th, between 4 and 8!

100% of sales during that period will be donated to BHS Theatre!


Hooray!

Life Goal!

So I figured out my life.

It's really absolutely perfect for me, like, why am I not there right now?!

Denver Center/National Center for Voice and Speech

So, like, anything I could possibly be interested in, right there.

Doubting/Believing

In my writing class, we got the assignment to write a doubting and believing paper. This is different from a regular persuasive essay because it is only allowed to use one source, on the doubting side, so it really has to be just opinion.

I was thinking about writing about whether or not evil exists, but I don't know which side would be doubting and which would be believing.

I think I'm going to write about how bad it is to push your own opinions onto other people (religious fervor-door-to-door Jehovah's Witnesses, the Crusades, Jihads, US foreign policy, etc.)

I don't really know how I'm going to argue against myself yet.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

SWR/PLACEBO

"We've got nowhere to go, we've got nothing to prove
Instead of dancing alone, I should be dancing with you
This song is turning me on, the beat is doing me in
Or maybe it's only you, but either way, lets begin "

-She Wants Revenge (Out of Control)


Saw them opening for Placebo at the Gothic on Saturday, AMAZING.

Check them out.

And check out Placebo if you don't know them, they're always great.

...

i'm declaring my major on tuesday--slhs.

wow.
who would have thought?

my emotion life is a bit messy at the moment, i don't really feel like getting into it. i mean, i actually really DO feel like getting into it but i don't know how much everyone would want me to do that.

my fish has been acting sluggish lately, i hope he's not dying.

the haunted house at boulder high is next weekend, check out the website, at least, and try to come, if you can.

ummm, sorry i'm so disjointed right now... again with the tons of stuff going on and me being in a sort of weird place about a lot of it.

bah.

life is complicated, you know?


like, why can't things just be good and easy?

Bittersweet?

I feel so conflicted and torn and unsure.

I don't know what's right, and what's best, and who's right, and why I feel so terrible at the exact moment I should be feeling amazing, and how the good moments seem to slip through my fingers so quickly.

I guess I don't really want to talk about it. I guess there's no one really to talk about it with but myself.

Somebody, need me too much,
Somebody, know me too well,
Somebody, pull me up short
And put me through hell
And give me support
For being alive,
Make me alive.

-Company



I'm sort of winging it on my own at this point.

Where I'm From...

this time a year ago, i was still happy at ithaca.
i was about to have my first random college hookup, to rebound from my rebound guy.
i was having the time of my life.


things are so different now
everything's just so normal

Thursday Night... Yeah We're Cool.

For Drew

DAM

Seasons Change

They held each other as they walked, clinging to each other for support and to try to erase the time. Now, their bodies were weak, and they had to hold on to each other to keep from falling down, but they used to hold each other for another reason. They could both remember a time when they held hands to feel the electricity flowing between them. The passion that they had once felt had faded after a lifetime together—now, everything that they did together was done because it had been done for so long that they wouldn’t know what to do if they stopped.

They never expected that they’d end up here—decades older together, wrinkles on their faces, the skin sagging everywhere on their bodies, their teeth old, and decaying, their joints stiff with arthritis. When they met, she was only seventeen- slim and blonde, with perky breasts and a dazzling smile. He was nineteen, a freshman in college, the star of the lacrosse team.

One heart attack, two children, and 5 grandchildren later, here they were, walking together, as they did when they were younger, enjoying the crisp fall day. The leaves were red in anticipation of the coming winter, but they hadn’t really started to fall yet. The heat of the summer had passed, but its afterglow could be felt in the sun, if you stood still for long enough to soak in its rays. The birds had already started to migrate in preparation for the quickly approaching winter; the ducks that spent their summers on the lake were nowhere to be found. She wore orthopedic shoes, he carried a cane, and what was once a fiery romance had settled into a comfortable, reliable companionship.

On the other side of the lake, a young couple sat together on a bench, eating Chinese take-out. They had met at the pool, a typical summer romance, but their relationship had lasted even after it was too cold for bikinis and swim trunks. They sat close to each other, feeding each other with chopsticks and kissing and watching people walk by. From across the lake, she saw the old couple. She noticed them leaning against each other for support, perfectly comfortable with the weight of their own bodies and with each other’s. She saw him stop walking, turn to her, and, holding both of her hands in his, kiss her gently on her forehead. The young woman turned to her partner, and kissed him softly on the lips.

(ps- i don't like the end, it seems too sudden to me, any ideas?)

Why is gas so cheap right now?

Bah... things are so crazy right now.

i'd rather do something i love that drives me crazy than something i have no feeling for that keeps me sane and calm.

About the video post from yesterday-

So this one time, yesterday, I was listening to one of my NPR podcasts, probably the music podcast that I get, and they were talking about this really awesome video that they found on YouTube, and how until just now, they didn't know who the guy in the video was. Everyone was impressed, and it had like a bazillion plays on YouTube. You know it's big since NPR's doing a story on it. Anyway, yeah, it's Pachelbel's Canon, and it's awesome. Anyway, here's the link to the NPR story, if you're interested.

Canon

I like how this sounds.

Mmmmmm

I miss hummus wraps and corn soup from Grab and Go at IC.

College, Take Two:

I wish I could say I'm perfectly happy at CU.

I guess on the bright side, I'm happy enough.


As much as it sucked, living on campus was pretty cool.

Fuck.

There are just some things in life that make me miserable, and each and every one seems to be making an appearance in my life tonight.

What?

Yeah, it sucks.
Already did the crying thing, the feel-like-punching-someone-in-the-face thing, and I'm thinking I should do the sleep thing before I cry again.

Even though it's still pretty early.

:)

I like touchy people. I like people who will press their entire body against mine when we hug, and hold it there longer than necessary. I like it when I'm leaning against a table or something, and someone comes and straddles me and gives me a hug. I like people who just walk up to me and put their arm around me.

I like Sam and Cooper.

sigh.

I collapsed onto a floor twice today, once because I was laughing so hard and the other because I felt like crying.

Ah, what a day.

PS my linguistics textbook fucking ROCKS.

and i'm already scared for half my classes.

have you ever had the kind of crush on someone where you just can't control how you act around them?

i get downright giddy, it's not pretty.

Remembering

It sometimes bothers me how quickly I let myself forget parts of last year. I remember my classes, and I remember the papers I wrote, and the plays I saw, and the meals I ate, but I am forgetting to think about the people who I knew. The ones who made me happy, and the ones who drove me crazy, the ones who I loved to death, and really I loved them all. I don't feel like it should be so easy to put behind me. I never really ever succeeded at getting Delhi behind me, but Ithaca is already gone. I was there 9 months, I've been back for 4 almost.

I don't know if it's better to forget or to remember. I feel guilty ignoring people who haven't forgotten me, but I can't bring myself to feel bad that I won't be going back, even though for the most part, it was a really good experience.

I guess if you're reading this, I love you, and I always did, and thanks for thinking of me.

It's hard for me to care about the people who care about me but everyone else, it's hard for me not to care.

Yippee!

I am so excited about my job.

Like, no words.

I get an office, and maybe even benefits.

And it's quite possible that I will be in charge of changing the marquee. (sp?)
And renting out the auditorium.

Tomorrow I'm going in to poke around my new office and all my new paperwork.
And friday I meet with Bud and it all becomes official.

Happy national left handed person day.

:)

I had a dream about characters from CSI yesterday. How lame is that.

Here are a few photo from my hike today:

Love.

I was watching "My Architect" the other day.

It's a documentary about the architect Louis Kahn, made by his illegitimate son, who is trying to figure out who his father was based on his buildings and talking to people who worked with him and knew him.

In one scene, he was interviewing his mother, who knew that Kahn was married to someone else, but loved him anyway. He would only come up to her house for a few days at a time, and she knew pretty well that he'd never marry her (even though she always hoped.) At one point, Nathaniel, her son, asked, "do you think about him often?" and she responded, "I don't have to. He's always there." Not in the spiritual sense, but in the sense that so much of her was influenced by her relationship with, and really deep love for, this man. I think she was glad to have had his child, even though it made her an object for scorn, because it was his, and she loved him.

Maybe that's just me putting my personal experience onto something completely unrelated, but I'm glad this kind of love exists, I'm glad I've felt it. I'm glad there's someone that I loved so much that it became a part of my life forever, that I don't need to think about because it's just there, just a part of me.

Home Life

While I was at college, one of my parent's friends broke up with the boyfriend she was living with and moved in with us. It was quite difficult to move back in, with a new person living in the house, even though I've known her my whole life. She lives in the biggest room in the house, the master bedroom, which is also where we store a lot of our games and stuff, so I have to go into her room to get anything I need.

It is my nature to get defensive and hostile when I am under attack. My brother and I were joking around, and I guess I upset him (he's allowed to say whatever he wants to me but if I make fun of him he goes into his room, slams the door, and won't talk for hours- they call it bipolar, but he only does it when my mom is around to get me into trouble for it.) Anyway, since I'm "normal" I'm supposed to take it with a grin and move on, but sometimes it hurts. Anyway, my mom was yelling at me, of course not my brother, and I was getting defensive, and the woman who lives with us walks in, not knowing what happened, and says, "Kira, look at how you're making your mother feel," completely ignoring the possibility that I was feeling bad also, like she thinks I like to hurt other people for fun.

According to my mother, she also complains, saying that she doesn't have enough space (her room is the biggest in the house!!) and she often tells me to turn down the TV, even when it's so quiet that I can hardly hear it, and she could make the sound go away by just shutting her door.

She's also got a dog. It's pretty old, and sort of blind, and sort of deaf, and she needs help standing up if she's lying down on the slippery hardwood floor. she poops in the yard, and no one cleans it up, so the whole lawn stinks. She also eats raw chicken every day, which just gets left sitting in the kitchen, so we've got a bit of a fly problem. The dog doesn't really do much except eat and sleep and poop.

Today the woman called my dad and told him she made an appointment on Saturday to get the dog put down. True, the dog is old and useless and not going to live soon, but isn't it coincidental that she plans it only 2 or 3 days after I asked if the chicken could maybe be kept outside so that there aren't as many flies? In a way, I feel like she's being very passive aggressive, and I'll feel guilty if the dog dies on Saturday, like it was my complaining that drove her to it.

She's not even looking for a place to live, and she won't until my parents kick her out, which they won't, even though I can tell she sometimes frustrates them.

I wish I was moving out sooner, but chances are, I'll be gone before she is anyway.

I was going through my old photos...